How Come Relationships Breakdown?
In today’s episode, Diane goes over the homework from the week before where she asked people to think about what they craved as a child similar to Anthony Robbins says in his work. Diane uses it more along the lines of what did you need the most as a child and what did you feel you didn’t have as a child. The concept being that we will seek out the very thing that we were missing. When we think we find that one thing in another person, we end up falling in love in this magic and the excitement and all the physical attraction you believe that the person is giving it to you. For example, if what you always needed as a child was support, when you are in the magic of the attraction all you will believe and see is that this person is giving it to you. They are supporting of your dreams and present to all that you are. What is really happening at this point of the romance is that you are so expansive in your own essence that you are the one actually providing yourself this “support” or whatever it was you needed as a child all the while you are thinking it is coming from the other.
What happens and why relationships break down so frequently is that something will happen that will be a red flag and we disregard it rather than addressing it. We do not address it because we think we are getting what it is we needed and aside from the flag, they are fantastic. So for example maybe they drink a bit but it’s okay it’s okay because it’s not a lot, it’s not fall down drunk and he does not do something worse and we excuse the red flag. We are still thinking we are getting that one thing we never got..”support”.
The sad part about it though is that when we go further into the relationship when we start to live together or we get married that same red flag comes up and depending on how you sought love when you were a child you’ll either become a villain, a victim, or a rescuer. When you start addressing those events that were red flags you do so from one of these positions. The other person will then play the position they are put in as they will not understand why it was ok before and now it is not. This will become a recurring way of communicating. Each person will be favouring two of the positions. One may be the villain and the other the victim and then one may be the victim and the other the rescucer. This will be recycled for years and you will become distant and unhappy.
The healthier way to be is to live in acceptance, happiness and wholeness. Most people do not know how to do that. When we come out of a relationship or the relationship is breaking down, many will just to and find another person. They do not take the time to look at why they got to that place or how do they get into this kind of relationship breakdown. Rather than really work it and look at it and be committed people they leave and say they have tried and that person is not changing. When we are the victim, the hero or the villain where does that come from. Where do we learn how to behave in that manner? That is much harder to do.
These things we learned from childhood. We run one of our parent’s blueprint. If for example you run your mother’s and hers was a victim you may learn how you get love is by being a victim. From that point, your being and the lens which you see things throughout your life will be as being a victim of life. It was learned between the age zero to eight years old. You could also play it the opposite way. For example, if mom was more of a rescuer and you may say I’m never gonna do this so you become more of a villain because you’re fighting against what you saw. You think you are never going to be that in turn you still are going to be if you’re running that parents blueprint. But you’re going to do it from the place of the villain.
If you are a rescuer victim you will probably attract a villain victim. We attract the one that we do not favour. We have a mode of operation and go to one preferred position and when that one is not being appreciated, we switch to the other.
Diane is a trained facilitator of Dr Bruce Fisher’s Rebuilding Relationships 12 week course to help people learn about themselves so they can make better choices for themselves and their families moving forward. Find our more about Diane’s work by calling her office: 613) 837-9025