Divorce Recovery: How To Stop Being Triggered By Your Ex
In this episode of the Divorce Recovery Show, Diane Valiquette gives us some tricks to recognize the triggers and what position we take on the blueprint to play when this happens. Once you see you are spiralling from a trigger, you look at it and say to yourself “what just happened?’, describe it to yourself and ask yourself is that really the truth. Do you actually believe in the thoughts about you that the other person is saying. We know that it is never about the other person but more what you are looking for from our own wounds. Our issues are not going to magically change once the separation occurs. The adapted behaviours we have established and who the ex is will stay the same.
When you can watch the trigger, and rather than react or emote from it but acknowledge it with an eye of curiosity “that’s interesting” we can then probe it to find out what the truth is behind the trigger. Watch where you find yourself. If you are explaining yourself or what the other person has done, you are in the position of rescuer, if you are angry and outraged as in “who does he think he is” you are in the villain position and if you are feeling bad for yourself, you have gone into victim.
Once you have caught the trigger, as you seek the truth you can explore what brought you there. As you uncover the truth for yourself you can now be in command of the wound that has surfaced rather than being triggered by it. Once you do that you no longer buy into it and there is no power to what is being said to you or projected onto you. The steps of the dance changed. Many people never change the dance after the divorce so the arguments continue as they always have. Once you have insight you no longer need to dwell in all those cycles. Your interactions will then shift.
Since some of these adaptive behaviours have been going on our entire lives, Diane suggest to make a cue card of the cycle diagram she describes in the video so that when you know you have interactions coming up with your ex you can pull them out as a reminder and to interrupt the spiral mind. Taking control of the feelings allows you to take the road of healing and recovery. The only way we can heal the feelings is to know what they are and how they show up and how they hurt us. Once on the road to recovery we can show up as better parents and better people to ourselves and others.
Diane offers a 12 week rebuilding workshop for individuals and couples of all ages and stages of relationship building and breakdown at regular intervals through the year. To find out more you can see her rebuilding website.