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How To Recognize Parental Alienation Is Happening With Your Kids

Recognizing Parental Alienation Is Happening With Your Kids

In part 3 of the mini series on Parental Alienation, Diane goes into what you may see when recognizing parental alienation is occurring and tips on how to help your children speak about their feelings and their questions.

Studies have indicated that parental alienation behaviour can start well before the relationship fails. One of the parents may be more overbearing and controlling on how to run the family and raise the kids leaving the other parent feeling inept. As this goes on over time, it instills a poor reflection on that parent so if the marriage fails, these precursors will almost be established for when acrimonious alienation behaviours start to develop.

Divorce Help For Kids

If you are sensing that things are not gong well with your kids or there are repeated actions to impede access when it is time for the children to be with you, one of the things you can do is start to take notes of times, places and events. This will equip you with documentation when you are in hearings for access and custody.

Another tip you may want to use is that when you notice your child is becoming withdrawn from you and less open is to pry in a way as to invite them to feel safe communicating with you. State your observations and ask questions and assure them that you are approachable for everything if at times you may be upset or worried. The children need to know they are safe with their parents and if one parent is manipulating the communication by creating secrets and forbidden conversations the children can have with the other parent, they will be feeling sad, uneasy, guilty and many other things. They need to be assured that all is well and that you will always always love them and that you are always there to listen and support them.

If there are things that you are unsure of on how to handle or feel ill equipped to deal with seek help from a professional who can help you navigate things with your kids. Here in Ottawa, The Clarity Divorce Centre is an interdisciplinary centre where you can also get the help you need.

Diane Valiquette is the host of the Divorce Recovery Show on Ottawa Buzz TV weekly every Monday. She is a divorce recovery coach and consultant as well as a Ontario licensed divorce mediator. To work with her directly Call Diane At This Number (343)887-5053

 

Devastating Consequences Of Parental Alienation (part 2)

Parental Alienation Can Have Devastating Consequences On Children

In this episode (part2 of Parental Alienation) of the Divorce Recovery Show, Diane Valiquette talks about the book Tug of War: A Judge`s Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court by Justice Harvey Brownstone to touch on the extreme devastation that parental alienation can have on the children.

The book was written by the Judge residing over a case that had become so filled with parental conflict that a young boy ended up killing himself. This completely altered the judge’s outlook on the dangers and extremity of parental alienation. When parents forbid to the child to tell the other parent the things that they live while with the other parent and start lying to the parent, the dangers of extreme psychological problems are well seeded.

Parents need to understand that the children will continue to love both parents and need to maintain their connection the them to be well. Both parents have a role in raising the child. If you missed part 1 of this mini series on Parental Alienation you can find it here

Diane hosts her show weekly on Mondays on Ottawa Buzz TV. You can watch it live and interact with questions on the Facebook page or  Call Diane Directly (343)887-5053

Parental Alienation Part 1 Of 4, Custody And Access Manipulation

Parental Alienation Shows Up Through Access Manipulations

This weeks episode of The Divorce Recovery Show with Diane Valiquette, Diane goes into an example of parental alienation by manipulating child access. She illustrates some of the drama and problems that are common using one of the cases she has seen. While parental alienation is practiced by both men and women, it is done more often by women than men.

What often happens when couples separate and divorce is that they are often blinded by the acrimonious feelings they harbour and cannot focus on the optimal goal of serving the best interests of the children. This creates a lot of confusion, guilt, anger and behaviours for the children for decades to come.

Parents for some reason forget or do not understand that the child is not divorcing the other parent. They did not choose to separate from them, they still love both of their parents. When one parent talks poorly of the other they are in fact hurting the child. Children need both parents in their lives and coparenting in a collaborative way is always in the best interests of the child.

When people start alienating the child and hindering parental access and forces resolution through the courts, it can take years and thousands of dollars that many families cannot afford. This also increases the damage inflicted upon the children. In the initial phases a judge may share their opinion but no motion will be filed forcing the parents to cooperate in the best interests of the children. Far too often, the alienated parent will give up either because of lack of money or just pure defeat.

Parental Alienation is a real problem and now even has a diagnosis called Parental Alienation Syndrome. There still no legal routes set up to make this injustice go away and give the alienated parents support and maintaining ongoing contact with their children. It is a social tragedy. If you need help for yourself or kids please contact The Clarity Divorce Centre

Be sure to check out part 2 of the Parental Alienation mini series Diane has created.

Divorce Recovery, Stories Of Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation Stories

Parental Alienation Syndrome now has a psychological term yet our court systems do nothing about preventing it from destroying families and people’s lives. Diane Valiquette is a Divorce Coach and licensed divorce mediation and seeing this behaviour more and more. It is becoming epidemic.

Ir you are experiencing parental alienation, it may feel like your hands are tied and you are all alone. While there are not a lot of legal recourse you have, it is important to get professional help and start implementing some tools to help you out. The children need to maintain healthy relationships with their parents. If you are witness to someone you know and love actively engaging in parental alienation, you need to speak up.

 

 

 

Telling The Kids You Are Getting Divorced

How To Tell The Kids You Are Getting Divorced

In this episode of  The Divorce Recovery Show with Diane Valiquette, she tells us about when and how is the best time to tell your kids you are getting separated and divorced. She talks about how you can teach your kids what to do for the other parent when celebrating special days like mother’s day or father’s day when they are no longer under the same roof.

Don’t tell the kids until you actually have a plan. Until you know what you are doing about your house, where they are going to live, where the parents are going to live etc. The kids want to know how all this impacts their own lives. Will they be near or far, where will they go to school and everything else. Include them as much as possible when searching for new lodgings and other planning that will impact their own operations.

Never lie to your children. When they ask questions, tell them the truth. You can do this clearly and in an age appropriate manner without lying. Lying will come back and harm everyone’s relationship going into the future. What happened, why this was decided and who decided this. If they are asking, they already know. Stay open and clean without alienating or venting anger against the other parent. EVER! Always reassure that the other parent and you yourself will always love them regardless of your hurt or angry feelings about the situation and change.

How you handle your emotions demonstrates to the kids that they too can trust their own emotions. It is not the job of the child to manage the emotions of the  parent. Telling the truth enforces the child to trust their intuition.

Diane is a professional divorce mediator and divorce coach practicing in Ottawa Canada. She offers a 12 relationship rebuilding workshop for individuals and couples who are thinking about, going through or finished the process of separation and divorce. You can find out more here at Rebuilding Relationships

 

Stop Being Triggered By Your Ex After Divorce

Divorce Recovery: How To Stop Being Triggered By Your Ex

In this episode of the Divorce Recovery Show, Diane Valiquette gives us some tricks to recognize the triggers and what position we take on the blueprint to play when this happens. Once you see you are spiralling from a trigger, you look at it and say to yourself “what just happened?’, describe it to yourself and ask yourself is that really the truth. Do you actually believe in the thoughts about you that the other person is saying. We know that it is never about the other person but more what you are looking for from our own wounds. Our issues are not going to magically change once the separation occurs. The adapted behaviours we have established and who the ex is will stay the same.

When you can watch the trigger, and rather than react or emote from it but acknowledge it with an eye of curiosity “that’s interesting” we can then probe it to find out what the truth is behind the trigger. Watch where you find yourself. If you are explaining yourself or what the other person has done, you are in the position of rescuer, if you are angry and outraged as in “who does he think he is” you are in the villain position and if you are feeling bad for yourself, you have gone into victim.

Once you have caught the trigger, as you seek the truth you can explore what brought you there. As you uncover the truth for yourself you can now be in command of the wound that has surfaced rather than being triggered by it. Once you do that you no longer buy into it and there is no power to what is being said to you or projected onto you. The steps of the dance changed. Many people never change the dance after the divorce so the arguments continue as they always have. Once you have insight you no longer need to dwell in all those cycles. Your interactions will then shift.

Since some of these adaptive behaviours have been going on our entire lives, Diane suggest to make a cue card of the cycle diagram she describes in the video so that when you know you have interactions coming up with your ex you can pull them out as a reminder and to interrupt the spiral mind. Taking control of the feelings allows you to take the road of healing and recovery. The only way we can heal the feelings is to know what they are and how they show up and how they hurt us. Once on the road to recovery we can show up as better parents and better people to ourselves and others.

Diane offers a 12 week rebuilding workshop for individuals and couples of all ages and stages of relationship building and breakdown at regular intervals through the year. To find out more you can see her rebuilding website.

Divorce Recovery | Self Deception & Truthful Relationships

Self Deception And Being Brutally Truthful About Yourself

The Stories We Tell Ourselves are so good that we are often confused to where they came from and what the real truth is. Diane delves into one person’s story who is still married but has started to sabotage the marriage while blaming the spouse for her dissatisfaction.

Many of us do not even realize that the choices we make or have made are coming from making these decisions without looking at our own true needs and values. We in fact have sold ourselves out and then comes the problems and the resentments and the recycling of disagreements and pet peeves.  Taking ownership of our choices and the narrative we create from it is the only healthy way to move forward staying or leaving. It is important to be acting from truth.

Find out more about divorce recovery and the Relationship Blueprint work that Diane Valiquette does to help individuals and couples take charge of their lives differently. The Divorce Recovery Coach

If you would like more information about Ottawa Buzz TV here.

Divorce Recovery: 5 Tips To Thrive After Divorce

Catherine Corey On The Divorce Recovery Show

In today’s episode on the Divorce Recovery Show, Catherine Corey a relationship specialist teaches us 5 life hacks or tips to thriving along the recovery process after divorce.  Now that things have changed it is time to reclaim and transform your life.

Tip 1: Creating A New Story

Rediscover an element of happiness by creating a life script for a future that you would really like to have. This was a trick that Catherine learned from Peggy McColl.  If you have done your core values personal mission statement, you can start with that… I am + core values + mission statement for example.  Create the script and speak it to yourself with the positive emotions that the story evokes. When you do this it makes it easier for the mind to actually believe it to be true.  There is some similarity to doing affirmations.

Once it is done, you can make it into an audio recording as if it was true. Catherine also got someone to record some supportive and encouraging words for support. Listen to these recordings 5-10 times a day.

If you want some help with this you can email Catherine for some samples and a template. catherine@recoveryacademy.ca

Tip 2: Do Something Nice For Yourself Every Single Day (a gift of love)

Gary Chapman wrote a book about the 5 Languages of Love . Once you know what your love language is you can do something for yourself using that language every day.

If you want a free assessment to find yours you can email Catherine for that. catherine@recoveryacademy.ca

Tip 3: Releasing Trapped Emotions

Anger, anxiety and sadness are part of our first language that helps us figure out what our body and we need. Anger can be an indication about  limits and boundaries. We need to be able to express it to free it from our bodies. Anxiety is our perception of danger and perceived danger and our ability to manage it. Doing your life script can help you lower this anxiety, or EFT, and mindfulness. Sadness helps draw our attention inside. Learning about our core values, our dreams and ourselves helps us manage and separate these emotions. It is important to create a space for it to be expressed. Let go as much as you can to forgive and accept an apology that you may not ever receive. Letting go of these emotions frees us up.

Tip 4: Mindfulness

The practice of being intentionally aware in the present moment. It helps let go of the emotional turmoil. Observing, then describing and then participating.

Tip 5: Rediscovering Your Interests

Things that give you really really positive feelings. This allows you to create positive memories from exploring these things.

Catherine Corey is a trailblazer, leadership and life strategist, educator, family mental wellness advocate, speaker and relationship coach. She is a mother, step-mother, and grandmother.

Catherine’s niche has changed over the years, her principles have not.  She started with sexual assault/abuse survivors as she inspired hope with her own recovery.  Her understanding of human emotions provides the knowledge and skill set to assist adults and children learn methods to regulate their emotions. Her experience of her own personal divorces led to her early collaboration with the Separation and Divorce Resource Centre. Each of these niches has provided learning and insight into the many stressors that can contribute to the development of mental illness and addiction issues.  Catherine is now in a unique position to offer assistance to men, women and youth who are seeking to change their lives.  She listens without judgment and responds to the needs of her clients, where they are, supporting, coaching, educating and guiding as needed.

The Divorce Recovery Show is part of the Ottawa Buzz TV web TV network, hosted weekly by Diane Valiquette , Divorce Recovery Coach.

 

Understanding Emotional Wounds & Where They Come From

Divorce Recovery With Diane Valiquette

In this episode of the Divorce Recovery Show with Diane Valiquette, we learn about our emotional wounds and how to identify them. When you start noticing a repetitive behaviour that triggers an emotional response to it, then you can start to understand where it came from. It is not really that other people that are doing it to you but your perception or you allowing it to trigger an adapted behvioural response to them. You will continuously feel this until you become aware of it an start healing this wound.

Diane says that you first start noticing how often this happens “to” you first and then identify what it is that you are feeling. Then look backwards to see where this first occurred in your life which is usually from 0-8 yrs of age. Look at this recycled belief and try to understand what you are saying most of the time. Journal this story all the way back until you identify which parent you learned it from. When you identify it you will know who’s blueprint you are running and have been running it since then as you go out into the world.

When you can identify it, you will be able to start standing up for yourself and taking command of yourself. Taking responsibility for your wounds is to get into the questioning… getting curious and identifying what those triggers do in your body and then identify what the emotion is. Different emotions are felt in different parts of the body. Once you figure that out, you can express that clearly and state your needs and boundaries. That is you taking responsibility for them.

Start today and little by little you will get better. Diane Valiquette broadcasts The Divorce Recovery Show Live on Ottawa Buzz TV Ottawa’s WEB TV.

 

Helping The Kids Survive The Holidays After Divorce

The Divorce Recovery Show With Diane Valiquette

In this episode, Diane goes into some of the things you can do to help your kids and yourself live the first holidays after separation and divorce. Family holidays have a tendency to augment some of our triggers and emotions when we find our traditions have also been altered and need to be rebuilt since the kids will be with either one or the other parent.

As parents it is essential that you are there to support the transitions and emotions that the kids may be going through especially if the breakdown has not been peaceful. When you can be solid with yourself of course it will be easier to be this for the children. If you are the parent with out the kids then ensure you put in place the supports you need to live it well. You can share what you are living in an intimate and respectful manner without alienating the kids or the other parent.

Diane Valiquette is a licensed divorce mediator in the province of Ontario. She is a trained facilitator of Dr. Bruce Fisher’s Relationship Rebuilding program. To find out how you can work with Diane or participate in her next course call 613) 837-9025 for information.

The Divorce Recovery Show with Diane Valiquette broadcasts live every Tuesday on the Ottawa Buzz TV Web TV Network

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